We constantly form judgements about people. When meeting somebody anew there might be a sense of good chemistry among us so that we can immediately connect. Or we might feel reserved towards them, for no good reason. A kind of gut feeling is telling us, beware. This is human and not easy to avoid.
Judgments are helpful when we need to quickly assess a certain situation: “Am I safe/welcome here? Do I want to invest my energy in this project/community? Can I trust this person or not ...?” And of course, they might just as well be misleading, formed on the basis of our experience that has nothing to do with the person we have just met.
I remember my friend telling me that she could not trust a man with a beard. Needless to say, she proved herself wrong in many cases and yet, she caught herself in mistrust every time she met a man with a beard. After some introspection she realised that men with a beard reminded her of her math teacher who made her feel miserable in the fifth grade, by putting her down every time he called her to the blackboard. It happened a long time ago, but the feeling remained.
Our assumptions are based on our experience, the memories we have collected throughout our lives, the values that have formed us and beliefs we have adopted about the world and ourselves. All these layers of experiencing another person would inevitably affect our communication and often prevent us from entering a dialogue at all.
Let me share another story that took place in a quiet countryside. The newcomers, who built a luxurious house with a swimming pool decided to illuminate their house which was rather uncommon in this neighbourhood. One spotlight just above their garage door was particularly bright so that at night the surroundings looked almost like daylight. The other lights were less intense, creating a dim ambiance. This turned out to be one more reason for the newcomers’ home to become the talk of the village.
The neighbours kept complaining about the lighting. There were comments like, "Where do they think they are? This is not Las Vegas! We can’t sleep at night!" or "Who do they think they are—what a posh family!” One neighbour even exclaimed, "I’ll sue them for polluting the environment with their lighting!"
Despite all these grievances, none of the frustrated neighbours approached the new family to express their feelings directly. Eventually, the next-door neighbour, who was on good terms with the newcomers, decided to address the issue. She told them about the complaints from the neighbourhood and simply asked a question, “I wonder if you could switch off the spotlight?”
The newcomers responded, "Oh, we had no idea it was bothering anyone. We didn't realize the light was so strong. Of course, we'll switch it off—why didn't you tell us sooner? We just want the lights to give us a cosy, homely atmosphere."
In my experience people are often surprised to learn that their words or actions have sparked a conflict. And a simple question can make a huge difference.
I also know a good story that illustrates some valuable lessons:
ReplyDeleteA man realizes he needs to borrow some salt from his neighbor. As he starts walking towards his neighbor's house, he begins to worry about whether or not the neighbor will be willing to lend him the salt. He starts imagining all sorts of negative scenarios and rejections in his mind.
At first, he thinks, "What if the neighbor is busy and doesn't want to be disturbed?" Then he worries, "What if he thinks I'm always borrowing things and never returning them?" His anxiety grows as he imagines the neighbor being annoyed or even angry about the request. He pictures the neighbor saying, "Why are you always bothering me? Get your own salt!"
By the time he reaches the neighbor's door, he has worked himself up into such a state that he's convinced the neighbor will be outright hostile. When the neighbor answers the door with a friendly, "Hello," the man, consumed by his own negative assumptions, snaps and yells, "You know what? Keep your salt!" before storming off.
In essence, this story serves as a reminder to stay grounded, communicate openly, and not let our thoughts and assumptions control our actions. We Are Not Our Thoughts!
Naila, your "salt" story made me laugh. I'll take the sentence "You know what? Keep your salt!" for myself and I hope these words will remind me to stop when I find myself imagining nagative scenarious.
ReplyDeleteI imagine that the neighbors from the story above may not have approached the new neighbor because they assumed a lot, judged a lot, and imagined that the conversation would not go well. And Naila, you mentioned negative scenarios, which have reminded me of the article "What to Do When Your Mind (Always) Dwels on the Worst-Case Scenario" by Meg Jay. Steps to 'decatastrohize' would be: 1. Stop time traveling (in the future), 2. Focus on what it is, 3. Play out the worst-case scenario, 4. Play out your best-case scenario, 5. Go grey, 6. Get more data points. You can read the article here: https://hbr.org/2020/09/what-to-do-when-your-mind-always-dwells-on-the-worst-case-scenario#:~:text= Try%20to%20stay%20right%20where%20you%20are.%20Imagine,in%20the%20past%20when%20you%E2%80%99ve%20actually%20overcome%20crises.
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